It’s almost bedtime, but six-year-old Benjamin refuses to stop playing with his toys. Despite being told to put them away, brush his teeth, and get ready for bed three times, he continues to roll his toy cars across the floor and completely ignores his parents’ instructions. The time grows later minute by minute, but Benjamin’s parents don’t know what to do, reluctant to trigger one of his awful tantrums for the third night in a row.
The Background:
Rule-breaking and tantrums are a normal part of child development because they show that children are exploring the world around them, testing boundaries, and developing their own opinions. However, when a child engages in such behaviors routinely, it can strain the parent-child relationship and create stress and frustration for the kid and their family. Below are some concrete steps parents can take to not only understand the causes of misbehavior, but also how to better address it when and after it takes place.
Before the behavior happens:
- Identify a behavior you would like to manage with your child and talk with them, in developmentally appropriate ways, about the plan. While a child may struggle with multiple behaviors, working on one behavior at a time allows for a more focused assessment of when and why that behavior occurs.
- Make sure the behavior is specific, observable, and measurable. Rather than trying to prevent your child from “acting out,” define the targeted behavior more clearly (e.g., reduce behavior of “screaming when they are told to clean up” and increase behavior of “listening to directions the first time around”).
- Brainstorm what might be causing the target behavior. Many children struggle with transitions from a desirable activity, like playing with trains, into an undesirable one, like brushing teeth. Many children also struggle to process a long series of instructions. Also, physical experiences like hunger and fatigue can also derail a child’s behavior. Knowing the trigger helps set the stage for proactive management of the behavior.
- Make expectations clear for the child about what consequence they should expect if they break the rules. And then follow up consistently. Avoid disproportionate consequences. Telling your child that they are “grounded for the rest of the year” is not believable and even more difficult to actually follow through on.
- Identify and communicate with your child a reinforcement that your child can earn if they reach a targeted goal with the specific behavior. Using a visual sticker page, marble jar, or checklist all represent concrete ways kids can see their progress and know what they are working towards. You may have to switch up the reinforcement plan over time to continue to see gains.
In the moment:
- Remain calm and avoid escalating the situation. Tell your child the specific rule they have broken and what the agreed-upon consequence is, and make sure the consequence is carried out without delay so that the child associates the consequence with the behavior.
- Actively ignore your child. That is to say, when your child engages in mild misbehavior, withdraw your attention so your child knows that the behavior in question doesn’t get them your attention. As a result, they will engage in that behavior less. Note that this consequence should not be used for more serious misbehaviors like aggression.
- When you observe your child demonstrating the targeted behavior, make sure to praise what you are seeing (e.g., “You did a great job using your words when your younger sister hit you instead of hitting back!”).
After the behavior:
- After the consequence, the child should be asked to complete whatever task they were asked to do before the consequence was given. This teaches children accountability.
- Continue to focus on providing your child attention for positive behaviors. For example, compliment your child on specific ways they are demonstrating the target behavior you observe. For instance, “Benjamin, I loved how you put away your trains the first time Daddy asked this evening. Really nice job.”
General Tips:
- Act as a model for your kid by demonstrating the behaviors you would like to see develop. If they struggle to manage frustration, show your kid how you manage frustration by speaking out loud about your coping process. For instance, if you forgot to buy orange juice, you might say “Oh no, I forgot to buy orange juice. I’m feeling very frustrated right now.” Then tell your kid what specific actions you are taking to calm down – a few deep breaths, for instance. It may feel a bit excessive, but this type of narration provides a model for a child so they can practice identifying and regulating their own emotions.
- Establish daily quality time with your child that occurs regardless of your child’s behavior. Let your child choose an activity they enjoy and let them lead the conversation.
- If your child’s behavior is interfering with their ability to make friends or causing conflict at home or school, it may make sense to see a clinician for a comprehensive evaluation.
Further Reading:
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 – Thomas Phelan
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk – Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Complete Guide to Managing Behavior Problems – Child Mind Institute
The Everyday Parenting Toolkit the KAZDIN METHOD – Dr. Alan E. Kazdin
Common Causes of Behavior Problems in Kids – Child Mind Institute
Encouraging positive behavior in young children – CHOC – Children’s health hub
